Parents Tip Sheet

Respond to Bloom’s Parent University Forum
Dr. Oliver Taffe
October 6, 2018
Did you know?

Teens all have something they are struggling with that we can try to help with. And most of what our teenagers are struggling with is beyond their control. This inability is due in part to a lack of brain connections, that won’t happen till age 25. As connections are being made the teenager brain is in the process of specializing. So, whatever they spend most of their time doing, that is what their brains are maturing to do. And if they start late, most likely, they will end late.

The symptoms of cell phone addiction are hurting teenagers more and more – everyday! The Adolescent mind have a very highly activated reward center, which makes it vulnerable to various addictive traps. Video games and cell phones are two of those traps. These devices were designed to target the reward center of the brain. When teens are playing video games, or on their cell phones a pleasure chemical (Dopamine) is released, which gets bounced to various parts of the brain that were Not designed to be constantly flooded with this chemical. Then what happens, it takes more and more of this chemical to get the same excitement level – just like the rush of a cocaine drug addict. The brain reacts to the cell phone as if it were being fed by an illicit drug.

However, if teens take a 30-minute break from these games and their cell phones, it will allow their brains to get back on-line and be in a healthier state. Giving a cellphone to a teenager may seem like a good idea because everyone does. But allowing them to have total control may put them in a bad place. It can become a significant predictor of later drug abuse problems. In short, we could have the makings of a depressed, passive, unassuming, held back personality; someone who is always reacting negatively to the input of their environment.

Here’s the problem:

Part of the problem in truly understanding our teenagers lies with us, the adults. We assume that when our kids begin to physically look like an adult – then our teenagers should act like and be treated as an adult. Their brains are not yet equipped to handle the vast amount of information they are taking in daily, and any added stress complicates their learning. Our teenagers won’t always accept our advice, but we can’t give it unless we are there, unless we are trying to understand how they are learning. One thing that makes it worst is that they will always react to a negative response from us. To a teenager it is all about independence. So, if we isolate them by being too harsh and not showing understanding it will be like a vicious cycle. We will become more and more distance from our child – this is not a good thing! Because we may miss the signs of depression -Miss the signs of loneliness, which usually can lead to drug usage – missed the signs other mental illness, and behavioral and academic problems that they are having.

Challenges:

It is hard to make senses of the conflicting messages, especially with all the adult responsibility we have assigned our teens – they can join the military – get marry – tried as an adult in violent cases – elected as mayor – they should act like an adult. At times, teens argue like adults and with convincing arguments. But, in that skull of a brain teens are not adults. And, because we expect them to act like adults, we get frustrated when they don’t. As for us parents, two big-two challenges we must overcome (1) not taking the high-emotional baits our teenager gives us, and (2) abandoning our desire to be right.

What can you do?

Have discernment and show compassion, and remember our teens are coping in a confused culture. They are also “jacked-up” on learning, which means – their brains are primed for taking in knowledge. So, where and how they learn is important and setting up a place where homework is done is something any parent can help teens do. And because homework is one of the main things kids do at home, we can stay involved with our teenagers, even if we don’t happen to have a BA, MS, MD or PhD in the subject they have neglected for months. When we are challenged with a disrespectful teen, remember emotions follow an arc of 90 seconds – your teens’ calm down time, and how it can lead to an additional 35 minutes when added stress is involved. Don’t take the bait and add fuel to their heightened emotion – their emotions will rise and fall within 90 seconds. The teen years represent a great time to test where your child’s strength is, and to even out weaknesses that need attention. As parents we do have a responsibility to stay connected to our children throughout their teen-years. If we desire the best from them, it is important to stay connected with them. When communicating with your teens, use short sentences, and allow their silence to make a connection to your ideas.

Pause before engaging

As parents, we’ve all had moments when we thought to ‘Pause’ – to allow ourselves the chance to regain clarity and calm, and tune into what would be an intelligent adult response in the next moment. When we pause to proactively understand the repeating uncomfortable situations and regrets with our teens, we will improve our relationships with our teens.